Yo, G, that was hilarious.
Put a Barney Rubble head on, I'd swear it was Flintstones On Ice.
I'm pleased that I've amused you, Master William.
It is the least I can do, given the hours of merriment I have derived...
from looking at the remarkable way your ears protrude from your head.
BWA: Butler With an Attitude.
So anyway, Toni's coming over.
We're gonna study for our history midterm together.
- She really needs help. - She's not doing well?
Daddy, Toni is a dear friend of mine, but she lacks concentration.
She totally gave up on Twin Peaks.
Wow, Uncle Phil! Did you lose a couple of pounds?
Man, you're looking chiseled.
So what do you want the car for, Will?
Public Enemy concert. Jazz got two tickets.
Every time Jazz is in that car he leaves a small collection of chicken bones behind.
Don't worry. Tonight, we're having ribs.
Daddy, I wanted to use the car tonight.
I'm going to a world peace benefit hosted by Steven Seagal.
Didn't you just hear me ask first?
I guess you're right. Besides, I'd feel better knowing you had the car.
Especially if you're gonna be out again until 3:00 a.m.
3:00 a.m.?
That's what time he got in last night. Oops, did I say that?
3:00, on a school night?
No, it was for school, Uncle Phil.
I'm doing a term paper on owls.
Will, you've broken curfew entirely too many times.
- You are grounded for a week. - A whole week?
Being grounded won't be all bad.
Maybe you'll find enough time to do your own dishes instead of paying Ashley.
Oops again!
Two weeks.
- I'm grounded for two weeks? - That's right.
You're to stay in this house, and you're not to go anywhere near that car.
Can he still rent the car to Jazz?
Oops!
Let's make it an even month.
I don't know my own strength.
Revenge!
Miss Toni.
- Hi, Toni. - Hi. Sorry I'm late.
I saw a lady wearing a sweater so ugly...
I was forced to pull over and yell at her.
Hi, Toni. What are you two up to?
The library. Big history exam.
How did your English midterm go?
- I think I did great, Mom. - I think I failed it.
Will you cut it out? You always say you've failed...
and then you get the test back and you always get a "D."
You're right. I probably did fine.
Okay.
You two have fun at the library.
Bye.
A library? I thought we were going shopping.
We are. I was just saying that to her. Come on.
What's this I hear, Hilary? Lying to Mommy?
I feel that revenge is within my reach.
This is a job for Sherlock Homeboy.
1000 hours. Bike not fast enough to keep up with Volvo.
Here at Toni's dorm room to determine where suspects went shopping.
Let's see what happens.
Hi, is this Toni Gower's room?
- We're her roommates. - I'm Kimmy.
- I'm Cindy. - I'm Will.
- Hi, Willie. - Hi, Willie.
No, just "Will."
Can I get you something, Will?
No, thank you. I'm trying to find Hilary Banks.
There's been a family emergency.
Sorry, we don't know her.
Yes, we do. You know, Toni's friend.
- The one who never wears anything twice. - Yeah.
Earth to Kimmy.
I just haven't seen her around since she dropped out of school.
Yeah, the midterms must have been a little too much for her.
Midterms? Hilary dropped out three months ago.
This family emergency, is it, like, a big one?
It's even bigger than I thought.
Looks like I am gonna be pulling another all-nighter.
I have to get my index cards together for the big debate match next week.
What's your topic?
"When President Bush said he would never raise taxes...
"was he lying or just kidding?"
Sorry I'm late. Time flies when you're studying.
Ain't that the truth, Ruth.
How was your day, honey?
It was great. I got a lot of work done on my physics research paper.
What?
I was just thinking about that funny thing that happened to you today.
What are you talking about?
How soon they forget. I'll explain.
Today after school was out, I went to UCLA...
and sat in the back of Hilary's physics class.
You did?
You remember. After all, you were in the class.
That's right. You did.
You remember that funny thing that happened.
Yeah, that funny thing.
Tell them about it.
Will sat in the back of my physics class.
While he was there...
Will, you tell it so much better.
See, I snuck up behind Hilary, right?
Her head must have been full with all that studying or something...
because when she saw me...
she said my head looked like the basic element of physics.
What was that technical term again?
A quark, right?
Right. Exactly. I said his head looked like a quark.
- Or was it a neutron? - Right.
No, it was definitely a quark.
Of course. I don't know what I must have been thinking.
That was a real scream, Will.
Dinner is served.
What do you know?
First of all, I know that the basic element of physics is matter.
If you were going to do a research paper...
you'd probably have to know something they taught on the first day.
- How did you find out? - I have my methods.
It helps that Toni's roommates have the combined IQ of a raisin.
Listen to me, Will. You can't tell Mom and Dad.
Excuse me?
You're not in any position to tell me what I can or cannot do, Miss Thing.
I'll do anything you want. Just name it.
Thanks to you, I'm grounded for the next month.
All I want from you is that you make that month as pleasant as possible.
It's that simple.
At the risk of sounding redundant, dinner is served.
We'll be right there, Geoffrey.
- Hilary? - What?
Carry me.
Yes?
"Yes," what?
Yes, Your Highness?
- Have you done His Highness' laundry? - Yes.
Yes, Your Highness.
You forgot His Highness' overalls, his T-shirt, and...
of course, his pair of lucky drawers.
You're going to want to hand wash these.
- I am not hand washing your drawers. - Yes, you are.
And from now on, you will pronounce the word "draws."
Okay, fine.
And His Highness would like to discuss the condition of his royal sneakers.
You will clean them with your toothbrush.
Not side to side, though. Not up and down.
But a smooth circular motion.
Do you want me to floss them, too?
We are not amused.
And for this act of treason...
His Highness would like you to read him a bedtime story.
This is getting really annoying, Will.
Okey dokey, have it your way. Uncle Phil! Aunt Viv!
Okay, I'll do it!
His Highness would like you to read this Spider-Man comic book.
All right. Let's make this fast.
"Spider-Man. By Stan Lee."
The yellow box says: "High above Manhattan."
And Spider-Man goes, "My spider-sense is buzzing like a beehive."
His Highness would like you to describe everything in the picture.
- Can't you just look at it? - Uncle Phil!
I was just asking.
He's sitting on the edge of some stupid building...
and there are wavy lines coming out of his head...
so he's hot, or his head smells or something.
Anyway...
Hilary. That's his spidey-sense.
Okay.
There's also something gross coming out of his wrist.
Is this the guy you don't want to be standing next to at a party, or what?
Anyway, this fat guy in a really bad suit grabs him and goes:
"Spider-Man, at last we meet again."
That's Doctor Octopus, but his voice is a lot deeper than that. Give it a try.
"At last, we meet again."
And it's raspier.
"At last, we meet again."
Come on, baby. You doggin' it.
"At last, we meet again!"
Happy?
You have amused us, but His Highness is tired and would like to go to sleep.
Thank God.
But first, His Highness would like to be tucked in.
- You're kidding. - Of course, I'm kidding. Uncle Phil!
Nice and tight!
Not too tight. I wouldn't want you to suffocate.
Before you go, we would like you to have this.
A list of things to do tomorrow night at the dinner table.
Like what?
Please, we do not wish them read in our presence.
Be gone!
Carlton, I'm living a nightmare.
Hilary, I'd love to talk to you...
but I'm staring down the barrel of an all-nighter.
Please, Carlton, I need help!
I'm coming to you because I know how much you don't like Will.
Will Smith is a fine young man.
Come off it, Carlton. You're talking to me now.
We've let Will wreak havoc in our lives for too long.
And now it's time to band against him as brother and sister.
What have you got in mind?
That's what I need you for.
I don't have any plans, I just want to punish him.
I'm very vindictive, I'm just not imaginative.
Whether or not I want to punish Will...
and for the record, I haven't come out pro or con...
why are you so mad at him?
It's a long story, but you have to promise not to tell anybody.
Sure.
First of all, I dropped out of college.
- I know! - Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.
I know, but the worst thing is Will found out.
Now he's using it to make me do all kinds of humiliating things.
Like what?
He's making me clean his sneakers.
- Really? - It gets worse.
I have to hand wash his lucky "draws."
- Disgusting. - And this is his latest:
He gave me a list of embarrassing things I have to do at dinner tomorrow night.
That's awful.
- Is he making you clean his room? - No.
Will you clean mine?
I'm sorry, but this is too good to be true.
Why should Will have all the fun?
- Why, you little... - Dad?
I hate you!
Be that as it may...
I want these debate cards typed by tomorrow morning.
Double-spaced.
Today was Career Day and Teresa's dad came in to speak to us.
Really? What does he do?
Joan Rivers.
He's a plastic surgeon.
Dinner is served.
What?
Did you memorize that list of things I gave you to do at dinner tonight?
Yes.
Just to be on the safe side, let's have a little pop quiz.
Number one: Any time Uncle Phil takes a drink, what do you do?
- I compliment you. - Yes!
Did you memorize the list of compliments?
- Yes. - Okay, very good.
Number two: Any time anyone says "Hilary," what do you do?
I bark like a dog.
That's right! See you at dinner.
Will, if you have an ounce of compassion, you'll let me off the hook.
Yeah, that's a good point.
No, we'll do it anyway.
It's dinner time. Did you memorize our list?
- Yes. - Let's just review.
What do you do when I hit my glass with my spoon?
I insult Will.
Good. And what do you do when I clear my throat?
I smack Will upside the head.
Damn it, you're prepared! Let's go!
For these gifts we are about to receive...
may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen.
Amen.
Vivian, how were your classes today?
Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work.
They're very easily distracted.
I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary?
- Did you say something, sweetie? - No.
Will Smith is perfect.
Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.
Yes, but perhaps another time.
Your mother would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again.
Sorry.
Anyway, as I was saying...
Will Smith is the king of the universe.
Why, thank you.
I'd like to finish my story, if that's okay with you, Hilary.
Hilary?
Look, I know everyone gets a little silly around midterms...
but not at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, Mom.
Will Smith is the scum of the earth.
Hilary!
However, Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness.
Hilary!
What's with Hilary?
Stop it! I can't take it anymore!
I dropped out of school! There!
You did what?
- I dropped out of school. - You dropped out of school?
- When did this happen? - Three months ago.
- Three months ago? - And you've been lying to us since then?
- Three months ago? - Let me explain.
- Three months ago? - Mother, please just let me explain.
I'm not interested. You've been lying to us.
- And if you think for one minute... - Philip, wait.
Will, Carlton, Ashley, take your dinner into the kitchen.
Thanks a lot, Will.
Man, they've been in there for an hour.
I wonder what Hilary told Mom and Dad about our part in all this.
I think it's pretty safe to assume she sang like a canary.
There's no need to worry. She's been lying to them for three months.
We can punch holes in her credibility.
Mom, Dad, awfully sad about what happened to Hilary.
Hope her crazy lies don't drag down anyone else.
Carlton, sit.
Maybe we haven't been clear enough about the rules of this house.
You are not to blackmail other members of this family.
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
You two are grounded for a month.
Will, added to the month you already have...
that should pretty much take you into fiscal '91.
- Dad! - You are excused.
I don't know, Philip. I've been thinking.
- About what? - You know, what Hilary said to us.
That I put too much pressure on her.
That it's hard living up to a mother who's a college professor.
That I made her feel that she could never come to us and admit she failed.
You mean you bought that crap?
Mom, Dad, can I say something?
Yes.
I've been thinking.
And I decided that I'll do whatever you want me to do to make things better.
And exactly what would that be?
I don't know. Whatever you want me to do.
Hilary, that's the problem.
We've been making all the decisions for you.
You're 21 years old. It's time for you to make your own decisions.
If you weren't getting anything out of college and wanted to drop out...
you should have told us and not tried to hide it like a kid.
But I thought you wanted me to go to college.
We want you to go to college when you'll appreciate it.
It's not to make us happy. It's to make something of your life.
We just want you to be all you can be.
You want me to join the Army?
Let's try this again.
Hilary, what do you want to do with your life?
I don't know. I guess I'll have to think about it.
While you're thinking about it, you're going to get yourself a job.
Okay.
Good night.
Mom, Dad?
What kind of job do you want me to get?
I'm not talking to you.
Look, straight up. I didn't know you'd break down like that.
You walk around here like nothing bothers you.
And I guess I took it a little too far, and I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Yeah, now. An hour ago you were ready to tell on me.
You tripping! I was never going to tell on you.
- Really? - Come on, of course not.
How about you, Carlton?
We're dealing in hypotheticals here.
Fine. I wasn't going to tell.
Does that little placebo make either of you feel any better?
So, I guess you're gonna hate me forever, right?
I thought about it. I guess I brought this whole thing on myself.
If I hadn't gotten you grounded, you wouldn't have blackmailed me.
So, I've learned my lesson. And we're even.
That's decent, Hilary.
Good night.
Before you go...
as my last official act of servitude, I did finish your laundry.
I can't believe I made you do that. I'm sorry.
It's okay. What's done is done.
My lucky "draws"!
English